Shane,

I will always remember how much you loved candles - everytime I went to Yankee Candle & stocked up, I ended up giving most of them to you - or you helped yourself! ;-) We have the night sky lit up with all kinds of candles for you tonight. The ones on the front porch are in a set of candle holders that you liked so much that I bought a set for you. The ones on the deck are left over from your "birthday party" in September. I've arranged them in a heart shape!

We have them throughout the house, as well - any place that the cats won't get to them.

We love you so much. We think about you & miss you all the time. I love being able to do something that's "all about you", baby boy!

Shane,

Nine months have passed since your mom and I were given the news that you died. I really, truly still find it hard to comprehend.

Like we do every month, we're going to free another helium balloon with your name on it into the wind later this evening. Perhaps someone, someday, will find one and come to know a little more about you. That's really all we want, for people to remember you.

There's a group of parents that have lost children, called the Compassionate Friends. It's really just a support group. They've organized a candle lighting "thing" for tonight. In honor of sons and daughters that have died, people will put lit candles in their home windows for an hour. Everybody will do it from 7-8 pm tonight, local time, so that for twenty-four hours our memories will burn their way across the globe. I hope that makes sense. Sappy and a little goofy, but that's the kind of thing we need.

Some people are uncomfortable with it. It's a small thing, but they feel that it's too close to Catholicism. I don't remember reading, "thou shalt not light candles," but I do remember reading that Paul would never again eat meat rather than risk offending one of his brothers. Now I'm wondering what he would have done if *not* eating meat would have offended one of his brothers. I'm sure you know what I mean. Somtimes it's easier to work hard at "avoiding the appearance of evil" than it is to really show love and support for the downtrodden and broken-hearted.

"Discomfort." That word hardly means anything to us anymore.

Anyway, we'll see what happens. Hopefully those that can't bring themselves to light a candle will at least sign the online guestbook and put your name in it. Doesn't seem as significant, but at least it will be longer-lasting.

Your Mom's having a rough day, but you know what that means... she's cooking. Cooking and crying, crying and cooking. Hey, a little extra salt brings out the flavor, right?

I'm... well, I'm just me. Trying to deal, trying to accept, trying to understand, and most of all, trying to help your mom. The ecclesia made me a little nuts today (endless debate, committee decisions, yuck), but i kept my cool and finally left when I felt like your mom needed me more than they did. I find that I'm very scattered lately, anyway, and I quickly tire of wearing the happy face. Leaving was the right thing to do, though I know I'll hear about it from "gramps" sooner or later.

Hey, we miss you. What a revelation, huh?

Shane,

It's hard to think of anything to be thankful for this year. I still can't believe you are gone. I never wanted to be without you - and here I am. The idea of you dying was just so horrible to contemplate - I prayed & prayed to God - begging him to not take you away from me. And look what happened.

Seth mentioned a couple days ago that I don't seem to care about anything anymore - that nothing is important to me anymore. I had to agree.

Before you died, you were at the center of my life - I agonized over you & your life so much of the time. Now that you are gone, you are even more important to me because I know what I have lost - my whole future. I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to anymore.

I miss you more than I can describe with words.

Shane,

It surprises me how many times a day I think about you - there are so many things that remind me. Magazines - especially those with lots of ads. I look at the male models & think “my boy was more gorgeous” than that one - over & over again.

The People Magazine” - Sexiest Man Alive issue - you put most of them to shame. They aren’t “all that” - you were. Not that looks are everything - you had so much more going for you! Seth & I have talked about this - you were “cool” - meaning you could “get away” with things that others couldn’t - the way you dressed & things you said. If others would have tried to do what you did, they would have looked like a dweeb - you could pull it off!

And you were so much fun. I know it & so many others have told us. I am thankful that you “lived your life to the fullest” since it was such an abbreviated life. As I told you the last time I was with you - all I really wanted was for you to be happy. That was the most important thing to me.

When you were born, I gave you your “stage name” - Shane Michael Ray - that set you up to be somebody that everybody knew. If you had lived longer, you would have been that person. We would have found a way to get the right people to notice you. I always thought we had time... I imagine you did, too.

And then there is music - I have a CD of “Shane songs” - some that just tear me up & make me cry every time:

“One More Day” by Diamond Rio is the best to me - if I was granted just one wish, it would be to see you again - for however long I could have. And I would just hold you & kiss you & tell you how much I love you until the time was up - even if you tried to get away - no matter how many times you said, “MOM!” I can still hear that! I can’t believe that I will never have that opportunity again.

Shane, I am so angry tonight. I miss you so badly. I am angry that you left me.

I was downstairs a little earlier & looked thru some more of your "stuff". I hate doing this. I was happy to find a couple more recent pictures of you but I hate that all of your things are here in boxes & I have to go thru them little by little. I want you to have your own stuff with you - I only want you to show me what you want me to see.

I still can't believe you are gone. I don't want to live without you. How many times have I told you that?

I found one of your speeding tickets tonight - over 100 mph in a 65-mph zone??? OH, MY WORD!!!!! Well, guess what - I drove over 100 mph one time in my life - scared me enough not to do it again. :-)

I love you.