Shane,

It's hard to think of anything to be thankful for this year. I still can't believe you are gone. I never wanted to be without you - and here I am. The idea of you dying was just so horrible to contemplate - I prayed & prayed to God - begging him to not take you away from me. And look what happened.

Seth mentioned a couple days ago that I don't seem to care about anything anymore - that nothing is important to me anymore. I had to agree.

Before you died, you were at the center of my life - I agonized over you & your life so much of the time. Now that you are gone, you are even more important to me because I know what I have lost - my whole future. I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to anymore.

I miss you more than I can describe with words.

Shane,

It surprises me how many times a day I think about you - there are so many things that remind me. Magazines - especially those with lots of ads. I look at the male models & think “my boy was more gorgeous” than that one - over & over again.

The People Magazine” - Sexiest Man Alive issue - you put most of them to shame. They aren’t “all that” - you were. Not that looks are everything - you had so much more going for you! Seth & I have talked about this - you were “cool” - meaning you could “get away” with things that others couldn’t - the way you dressed & things you said. If others would have tried to do what you did, they would have looked like a dweeb - you could pull it off!

And you were so much fun. I know it & so many others have told us. I am thankful that you “lived your life to the fullest” since it was such an abbreviated life. As I told you the last time I was with you - all I really wanted was for you to be happy. That was the most important thing to me.

When you were born, I gave you your “stage name” - Shane Michael Ray - that set you up to be somebody that everybody knew. If you had lived longer, you would have been that person. We would have found a way to get the right people to notice you. I always thought we had time... I imagine you did, too.

And then there is music - I have a CD of “Shane songs” - some that just tear me up & make me cry every time:

“One More Day” by Diamond Rio is the best to me - if I was granted just one wish, it would be to see you again - for however long I could have. And I would just hold you & kiss you & tell you how much I love you until the time was up - even if you tried to get away - no matter how many times you said, “MOM!” I can still hear that! I can’t believe that I will never have that opportunity again.

Shane, I am so angry tonight. I miss you so badly. I am angry that you left me.

I was downstairs a little earlier & looked thru some more of your "stuff". I hate doing this. I was happy to find a couple more recent pictures of you but I hate that all of your things are here in boxes & I have to go thru them little by little. I want you to have your own stuff with you - I only want you to show me what you want me to see.

I still can't believe you are gone. I don't want to live without you. How many times have I told you that?

I found one of your speeding tickets tonight - over 100 mph in a 65-mph zone??? OH, MY WORD!!!!! Well, guess what - I drove over 100 mph one time in my life - scared me enough not to do it again. :-)

I love you.

It's been twenty-four years since Shane was born. I wish he was here, so I could tease him about getting old, or listen to his current plans for getting a better job or going back to school, or just let him charm me with that amazing smile.

Instead, Corinne and I hosted a birthday memorial party for his friends, at the Lord's Point Community Center. The three of us lived in Lord's Point the first year that Corinne and I were married, and some of his friends were able to reserve the community center. We were expecting a lot of people to show up, and the community center is a nice building with lots of room.

See, most of Shane's friends never got a memorial or funeral when he died. Since we didn't know how to reach them all, we asked the local papers if they'd run the story. They all ran it, and one of them even interviewed Corinne and ran a full page story with a big picture of Shane! That was excellent.

Unfortunately, mother nature seemed to be as sorrowful (or outright cranky) today as any bereaved mother. Hurrican Ivan's leftovers stormed through, dumping tears by the bucketful and always threatening to blow us and our "great loss" out to sea. Only about fifteen people showed up for the party, even his best friend (Scott) didn't make it.

I said that I wish Shane was here, but not just for me. This has hollowed Corinne, hollowed and drained and nearly beaten her. I still love this woman with all my heart, but I can barely remember what life was like -- what anything was like -- seven months ago, before the mother lost her son.

So, Happy Birthday, Shane. We did our best to celebrate you a little today. We talked about you, and ate your favorite foods, and watched a video of your High School Senior Party, laughed at your singing and dancing and walking on your hands. In the end, we all released balloons bearing your name into that windy chaos, like your Mom and I normally do on the 12th of every month.

We'll never forget you.

- Seth